Jury Duty, Part I

After the drama of getting downtown for jury duty, I was relieved to have some time to just sit and let my heart get back to its normal rhythm. I had a good thirty minutes, so I settled into a bench in the courtroom, read my Reader's Digest, and waited to be sent home. The rest of the potential jurors eventually came in and we sat around not making eye contact. There were 30 of us. Coffee and Nutrigrain bars were on a table if we wanted.

Things got going a few minutes after 8:30: roll was taken and we got to watch a movie about not being upset if we weren't chosen for jury duty that day. Really. The movie was from 80's and the hairstyles and all the Sally Jesse Raphael glasses made it tolerable to watch if only for a chuckle.

After the movie, a baliff came in to watch over us. Unable to stand the quiet, he started telling jokes. Horrible, horrible jokes.

"What's the difference between out-laws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted."

Ba dump bomp chhhhhh

"What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."

Ba dump bomp chhhhhh

And the not quite politically correct,

"A guy marries a Chinese woman and for their honeymoon, she takes him to China to meet her family. He meets her Chinese parents, her Chinese brothers and sisters, and her Chinese grandparents. They don't like him and make them get a quickie Chinese divorce. Poor guy went home disoriented."

We all laughed uncomfortably - he had a gun.

Some lady came in and rescued us from the baliff's second act - we were sworn in and promised to answer truthfully all day long. We filled out some paperwork and then stood in line to receive our $18.50 for coming in. Next, we lined up in a specific order and made our way into another courtroom. Everyone was there - the judge, the prosecuting attorney (the state), a few police officers, the defense attorney and one very sad and remorseful looking woman (the defendant).

Time to pick the jury. The judge asked all these questions and we were supposed to answer by raising a hand. The two attorneys made notes of everyone's responses. If anyone raised their hand, they had to elaborate. It was like a public confession.

Judge: Do any of you belong to a religion that prohibits the use of alcohol? Do any of you drink? How much? Ever been impaired by your use of alcohol? Any family members drink? Who? Any alcoholism? Who? Have you ever seen a drunk person or spent any time with one? Any DUIs?

And on and on. Pretty sure it's a DUI case by this point. People were raising their hands, confessing everything about themselves, family and friends. Every once in a while the judge and the attorneys would take a person into a little room and ask more questions about their experience and knowledge of alcohol.

The judge had a final question: Is there anything about any of the people in the courtroom that might cause you to be unable to make a fair and impartial decision?

This was the question that made me pause.

It was the defense attorney. He wasn't just handsome, he was gorgeous - like a movie star. He had the highlighted hair, the perfect white teeth, the tan, the suit, and he kept smiling and making eye contact with everyone as he wrote his little notes. He was laid back and friendly, casual and charismatic, and he seemed to have the charm of Tom Cruise - before Tom got a little scary.

Since most of the questions didn't apply to me or anyone that I know, I spent a good part of this questioning time just gazing at him. Hmmmmm. Every time he looked at me, I was already looking at him and then he would smile his beautiful smile and I'd have to look away, embarassed.

So when the judge asked her question about making a fair and partial decision even though the Cutest Attorney In the World kept smiling at me, I wondered if I should raise my hand. I didn't, but only because I didn't want to have to go in the little room and admit to the judge that I had a crush on the defense attorney and would pretty much believe anything he told me.

Also, I had a tiny feeling that the Cutest Attorney In the World knows that he is the Cutest Attorney In the World. And that kind of ruined it. Almost.

So after all the questions and confessions, the judge and the two attorneys talked it over and came up with their four person jury. That's right, four people - out of thirty. And I was one of them. I should be playing the lottery.

We stood up and walked to the jury box. It was me, a grandma who worked for the Tablernacle Choir (this was two days after President Hinckley died - she coulda maybe gotten out of this), a 23 year old guy who was missing his classes at the community college and his wife's birthday, and an older woman with a gravelly-voice, bloodshot eyes, and possibly a hangover.

By now it was 11 am. The 26 who were not chosen were excused. They patted the $18.50 in their pockets as they walked out the doors and back to their lives. They didn't feel badly about not being chosen - the movie had helped, I'm sure.

I, on the other hand, was feeling something along the lines of
"You have GOT to be kidding me."

Jury duty.

For real.

This is what clean livin' will get you.

(To be continued...)