Part II: Will Juror #2 Please Stop Rolling Her Eyes While the Witness Is Speaking

Just kidding. The judge didn't really say that to me- but only because my eye rolling wasn't the most blatant and obvious. The policeman (witness for the prosecution) was not only rolling his eyes, he was stifling laughs and Juror# 4 was expressing herself in exasperated sighs.

It was a very interesting day in court. And by interesting, I mean that I was mentally blogging it.

As soon as the door shut behind those who weren't chosen, we were sworn in, given badges to wear around our necks and notepads and pens. We were instructed to wear the badges for the rest of the day, even when we were released for lunch, so that the general public would know not to talk to us if they saw us leaving the courthouse.

Public shunning, mmm hmmm.


We also got a very stern lecture about not talking about the case with each other before all the parts had been played out. We'd have lots of breaks and opportunities to talk, but until it was over, the trial and anything relating to the trial was off limits.

We were reminded several times that just because the defendant was here today, did not mean that she was guilty in any way.

The Prosecution started things off with her opening statements. She introduced us to the defendant, Miss Sad and Remorseful, and explained that she was arrested last summer after being observed not staying in her lane (she was driving down a Trax track!!!) and after field sobriety tests and a breathalyzer showed her to be impaired and over the legal limit. Two policemen would be called as witnesses, and she (the Prosecutor) knew that we would find in favor of the state.

Next up was the Cutest Attorney In the World. He smiled his gleaming smile as he walked across the courtroom. He was friendly and slick, reminded me a little of Matthew McConaughey in How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days. He re-introduced us to Miss Sad and Remorseful, and then explained how poor signage was the cause of her Trax driving, and the policemen were exaggerating the results of the field sobriety tests, and the breathalyzer - must've been not working properly that night. He believed that we would find her not guilty.

And then we had to go to lunch and not talk about what we'd just seen and heard.

We walked to Burger King (court didn't even buy us lunch!) and the four of us sat in a booth and tried to talk about anything except the trial. We talked about President Hinckley, the weather, and what each of us would be doing if we weren't here for the day. I was dying to talk about the trial - it was all I could think about!

We went back to our little waiting room - we were officially sequestered. It was a small, cramped room with two windows that were near the ceilings. We were locked in. There was a small fridge with some pop and water bottles, and a basket with Cheese Nips, peanut butter crackers and fake Oreos. We had to knock on the door for the baliff to let us out to go to the bathroom. We wondered how we'd get out in case of a fire. Still couldn't talk about the trial.

Finally the baliff came in and said that they were ready for us. We had to stay in a single file line, in the same order, for the whole day. We went down two flights of stairs and through a bunch of cubicle office spaces to get to the courtroom. The gravelly-voiced woman had arthritis in both knees and had a really hard time on the stairs. Each time we had to travel between the courtroom and the sequestering room, it took a good 5 minutes. We all shuffled along - it looked like March of the Penguins. When we made it to the courtroom, the baliff opened the door and asked that everyone stand as we walked in. That was kind of cool. I felt like I should wave or something.

Okay, down to business.

First witness was the police officer that pulled the defendant over. She drew on a white board how she had seen her driving down the Trax line, realize the mistake and back off the tracks. When she pulled her over, she noticed Miss Sad and Remorseful was chewing gum very fast and was holding her hand over her mouth.

Did you know that drunk people do that to hide the smell of alcohol? Geez, I chew gum all the time - breath paranoia.

The officer could smell alcohol anyway and called for backup - another officer who specialized in field sobriety tests.

He was the next witness and he explained how he did the tests, arrested her and impounded her car. At the police station, he administered another breathalyzer test and her results were .118. Utah limit is .08.

Time for the cross-examination, and this is when I decided that The Cutest Attorney In the World was kind of a putz.

He was so rude to the police officers! He did his best to make them look like they didn't know what they were doing and that they were exaggerating how drunk the defendant was. He questioned everything they did and every report they filed, all with such an air of smugness. Instead of making the witnesses look less believable, it just made him look desperate and rude.

I know this is how the whole process works, picking apart each side -- I've seen Legally Blonde many times -- but it just made me uncomfortable to see it in person.

Another reason I didn't like the Cutest Attorney In the World - he kept objecting to things the prosecutor was saying. He would interrupt her and then he would make a small show of laughing at her. Again, part of the process, but it just seemed so rude and bossy of him. In any other circumstance, she would have clawed his eyes out and told him to shut the crap up! He was really bugging me.

More breaks, more stairs, more Cheese Nips. No talking about what we were all thinking: why are we even here? The lady was drunk and driving!

Okay, now it was time for the Defense. The one thing that The Cutest Attorney In the World did well, I guess, was to coach Miss Sad and Remorseful on how to look and how to make constant not-guilty eyes at the jury members. I was sitting in a spot where she could see me and one other juror. I don't think she took her eyes off of us once. She looked so pitiful and like she was going to cry at any minute. I could tell that she was waiting to make eye contact and it kind of creeped me out. But I guess that's how you're supposed to look when you are the defendant.

She took the stand and explained that she had been drinking - but not enough to be drunk. The reason she did so poorly on the balance test and walking test was because she was in flip flops.

The next witness for the defense was an "expert", aka, a paid witness. He was a rumpled private investigator that had taken a "course" on how to determine the level of impairment after a person has been drinking. Without that pesky, usually-wrong breathalyzer thingy that the rest of the country uses.

He had a briefcase and stacks of papers that he waved in the air from time to time. It was during his testimony that the eye rolling and stifled laughs started.

Seriously, I think this paid witness hurt her case more than it helped.

In the end, The Cutest Attorney In the World made a statement along these lines:

"You know, my brother makes some pretty sound decisions in his life. Because of those decisions, he's able to buy some really nice things. One of those things is a brand new BMW. It's an amazing car with all the bells and whistles, the best German-made car you can buy. Well, one day, a light came on, telling my brother that that driver's side window was down. But he could tell (slaps his hand against the podium) that it was closed. Sometimes, equipment fails. It's just wrong. It doesn't tell the truth. And that's what happened that night last summer. The breathalyzer wasn't working properly and if you know that, you will have to find the defendant, not guilty."

Yeah, the prosecutor made sure we had copies of the maintenance papers on the breathalyzer, showing that it was in perfect working condition two weeks before and two weeks after. We also had the defendant's flip flops, just in case we wanted to try to walk in a straight line while wearing them. Not that hard.

It was over. All the questioning and objecting, the pleading looks from the defendant, and the Fall of the Cutest Attorney In the World. My crush was so over. Now he just irritated me.

We went back to our little room - finally we could talk about it. By now it was a little past 6 o'clock at night. The court gave us a menu from a pizza place and told us to order, but none of the other jurors wanted to order anything - they just wanted to be done. I should have spoken up, ordered a whole pizza and taken it home to my boys (who had been alone all day), but I didn't.

We talked for about 5 minutes, made sure that we all felt the same way, no question about it...GUILTY!!!

We filed into the courtroom one last time. It's true what they say about it being uncomfortable to look at the defendant when you are bringing a guilty verdict. So I didn't.

We said guilty, the court thanked us, and we left.

It was dark outside, snowing, and the wet streets were full of headlight glare. Just my kind of driving conditions. I made it home, tense and tired, and $18.50 in my pocket. I'd been gone for a little over 12 hours.

I learned a lot, it was interesting, and I was glad it was over in one day. I was also glad that it was so cut and dried, no question or doubt that the lady was drunk and had used poor judgement in getting behind the wheel. I was glad no one had been hurt.

Obviously, I have a hard time separating facts from how a person looks or acts and how they treat other people. I'm not good at this kind of thing. But I did my civic duty and I won't have to do it again for at least two years.

And if you've made it all the way to the end of this tale, I will forever call you The Most Awesome Readers In the World. You're my new crush.

Jury Duty, Part I

After the drama of getting downtown for jury duty, I was relieved to have some time to just sit and let my heart get back to its normal rhythm. I had a good thirty minutes, so I settled into a bench in the courtroom, read my Reader's Digest, and waited to be sent home. The rest of the potential jurors eventually came in and we sat around not making eye contact. There were 30 of us. Coffee and Nutrigrain bars were on a table if we wanted.

Things got going a few minutes after 8:30: roll was taken and we got to watch a movie about not being upset if we weren't chosen for jury duty that day. Really. The movie was from 80's and the hairstyles and all the Sally Jesse Raphael glasses made it tolerable to watch if only for a chuckle.

After the movie, a baliff came in to watch over us. Unable to stand the quiet, he started telling jokes. Horrible, horrible jokes.

"What's the difference between out-laws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted."

Ba dump bomp chhhhhh

"What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck."

Ba dump bomp chhhhhh

And the not quite politically correct,

"A guy marries a Chinese woman and for their honeymoon, she takes him to China to meet her family. He meets her Chinese parents, her Chinese brothers and sisters, and her Chinese grandparents. They don't like him and make them get a quickie Chinese divorce. Poor guy went home disoriented."

We all laughed uncomfortably - he had a gun.

Some lady came in and rescued us from the baliff's second act - we were sworn in and promised to answer truthfully all day long. We filled out some paperwork and then stood in line to receive our $18.50 for coming in. Next, we lined up in a specific order and made our way into another courtroom. Everyone was there - the judge, the prosecuting attorney (the state), a few police officers, the defense attorney and one very sad and remorseful looking woman (the defendant).

Time to pick the jury. The judge asked all these questions and we were supposed to answer by raising a hand. The two attorneys made notes of everyone's responses. If anyone raised their hand, they had to elaborate. It was like a public confession.

Judge: Do any of you belong to a religion that prohibits the use of alcohol? Do any of you drink? How much? Ever been impaired by your use of alcohol? Any family members drink? Who? Any alcoholism? Who? Have you ever seen a drunk person or spent any time with one? Any DUIs?

And on and on. Pretty sure it's a DUI case by this point. People were raising their hands, confessing everything about themselves, family and friends. Every once in a while the judge and the attorneys would take a person into a little room and ask more questions about their experience and knowledge of alcohol.

The judge had a final question: Is there anything about any of the people in the courtroom that might cause you to be unable to make a fair and impartial decision?

This was the question that made me pause.

It was the defense attorney. He wasn't just handsome, he was gorgeous - like a movie star. He had the highlighted hair, the perfect white teeth, the tan, the suit, and he kept smiling and making eye contact with everyone as he wrote his little notes. He was laid back and friendly, casual and charismatic, and he seemed to have the charm of Tom Cruise - before Tom got a little scary.

Since most of the questions didn't apply to me or anyone that I know, I spent a good part of this questioning time just gazing at him. Hmmmmm. Every time he looked at me, I was already looking at him and then he would smile his beautiful smile and I'd have to look away, embarassed.

So when the judge asked her question about making a fair and partial decision even though the Cutest Attorney In the World kept smiling at me, I wondered if I should raise my hand. I didn't, but only because I didn't want to have to go in the little room and admit to the judge that I had a crush on the defense attorney and would pretty much believe anything he told me.

Also, I had a tiny feeling that the Cutest Attorney In the World knows that he is the Cutest Attorney In the World. And that kind of ruined it. Almost.

So after all the questions and confessions, the judge and the two attorneys talked it over and came up with their four person jury. That's right, four people - out of thirty. And I was one of them. I should be playing the lottery.

We stood up and walked to the jury box. It was me, a grandma who worked for the Tablernacle Choir (this was two days after President Hinckley died - she coulda maybe gotten out of this), a 23 year old guy who was missing his classes at the community college and his wife's birthday, and an older woman with a gravelly-voice, bloodshot eyes, and possibly a hangover.

By now it was 11 am. The 26 who were not chosen were excused. They patted the $18.50 in their pockets as they walked out the doors and back to their lives. They didn't feel badly about not being chosen - the movie had helped, I'm sure.

I, on the other hand, was feeling something along the lines of
"You have GOT to be kidding me."

Jury duty.

For real.

This is what clean livin' will get you.

(To be continued...)