For Your Viewing Pleasure Horror

In the continuing saga of my foot...

My workout shoes were feeling like they needed to be replaced, plus they were looking kind of dingy after wearing them all winter. They were size 7 Avias. If I'd been smart, I would have bought another pair of size 7 Avias, but I was enticed by a cute pair of New Balance crosstrainers.

In the store they felt fine, very cushion-y and supportive, and they seemed wide enough to not squish the bones in my delicate feet. So I bought 'em.

Within a week or two my foot started hurting. Sigh.

Now I've had New Balance shoes before and didn't have a problem, so maybe it isn't really the shoes. With the warmer weather I've been doing more, walking Oliver, the occasional game of tennis, etc. Maybe it was a combination of the two. Whatever it was, the foot was in bad shape.

Since the past has taught me nothing, I waited a few more weeks just to make sure that it wouldn't go away on its own. Now the nerve was visibly swollen and my toes were spreading worse than ever. I was hobbling around and complaining to my family. I needed another shot.

I made an appointment with a new podiatrist- the last one was so freaked out by me taking the video, I wasn't sure he'd see me again. I sat in the waiting room and visited with a 90 year old World War II vet. He was funny and he kept calling me young lady, while he told me stories about the ships he served on. The waiting room was decorated in a nautical theme and I think that's what got him going.

A white-haired woman moved past with her walker.

More old people, some brought in by their own grey-haired children.

When the nurse took me back I asked her if I was the youngest person she'd seen all day.

"Oh, definitely. But last week we had a fifteen year old in here - he'd been injured."

I have the feet of old people.

The doctor took some x-rays just to see how bad it was. This isn't my x-ray, but it could be - except mine is worse. See all that lovely space between the other bones, where, I don't know, nerves could comfortably rest? And see how the bones are touching inside the circle? That's exactly where my neuroma is, only it looks like my bones are actually chipping away at each other. The doctor asked if I'd had some sort of trauma to my foot. Nope, just me walking on it, hehehe.

The nerve between those bones is so swollen that it pushes the toes apart in a permanent deformity.

So here's the plan:

We're going to manage the pain throughout the summer with the injections. Surgery to remove the nerve rarely works - nerves can grow back, painful scar tissue, bad recovery time - but possibly, if I'm still having the pain coming back in the late fall, the doctor wants to do a nerve decompression. He'll cut down through the top of my foot and clip the ligament that's holding my bones so darn close together. That oughta do the trick.


He'd do the clipping now, except that summer is coming up and he wants me to enjoy it. I can still play tennis. Plus, like all the other doctors, he's hoping that a few more shots will make it go away. I hope so too.


So here's my most recent shot. It hurt so bad - but he wondered if previous injections had not been deep enough and long enough - and he was making sure to go very deep and very long. Whatever that means. All I know is that it hurt worse than any of the other shots I've ever had.

I think I say that every time.


I was bending forward to video it and I had a "birthing a baby" grimace on my face. As he injected the cortisone and alcohol into the nerve, I could see my toes spreading farther and farther apart. They grew longer and it felt like they were going to literally pop off my foot.






When it was over I sat back and exhaled. I must have looked pretty bad - the nurse ran to get me a drink and told me to stay put until I felt better.

I suggest that you do the same.

I Dare You to Watch This

I went to my foot doctor on Wednesday to get another sclerosing alcohol injection. I got this one so close to the last one, in the hope that we can eventually shrink the neuroma (swollen nerve) into non-existence. I wasn't having much pain, this was just more of a preventative measure. Also, I've hit my medical deductible, so this injection is lots cheaper than the one he wants to give me in January.

And I captured it on video for you. Now you'll all know just what I've been complaining about. I'm pretty sure the doctor thinks I'm wacko, but that's just the price a blogger pays.

The video is spectacular, it really is, though if needles bother you in the slightest, please sit down before watching.

But definitely watch it. Definitely sit down.

The thing that he's holding up to my foot at the beginning is something to help deaden the nerve. It taps it really hard - feels like a little pinch - and that's supposed to make it hurt less. But it also looks like it breaks the skin a tiny bit. Maybe it's a quick injection of something, I don't know. It gets really good when he brings the needle in.

Are you ready?

Huh? Huh? How was that? Feeling queasy? Take a few deep breaths...it will pass.

It didn't bother me when it was happening, but whew, seeing it play back is something else.

Okay, to be honest, it did hurt tremendously 2 times - but even then, not for longer than a second. The rest of the time, even with all the moving around, angling to get at the nerve, and all the in and out, it didn't hurt, I promise. This doctor is good with the needle.

Afterwards, all three of the middle toes went numb and there wasn't any pain at all. I went out to my car, hoping I wasn't walking funny 'cause I couldn't feel my toes. No pain in the ball of my foot. That's what makes the injections worth it.

Today, the bruise doesn't look too bad, I guess, but the numbness has worn off and the injection site is really tender. I'm limping. That should go away in a few days, and then I'll be really pain-free, as the nerve continues to shrink. Overall, my foot is doing great.

Isn't it pretty?

Shopping with Edward

During the summer, I'm a flip flop girl. I like the on and off ease, the fun colors, the pricetag, everything. I paint my toenails, shave nearly every day, rub on the self-tanner, and generally try to pretend that I have cute feet and legs that should be seen. I ignore the reasons why I should lay off the flip flops and just try to look summery and breezy and carefree in my footwear. Flip flops do that. Avia Crosstrainers, size 7, wide width - so the orthotics fit and my toes won't feel pinched - do not.

But now that Fall/Winter is here, I'm going back to wearing the Avias every day, all day. It's better for my feet - all the right kind of support and orthotic-y goodness - but I just can't get over the color. They're white and blue, perfect for the gym, but they just don't look right with my clothes. Most of what I wear from September through April begins with a pair of dark blue jeans. Pair that with a dark top, even something casual, and those bright white tennis shoes really mess up the whole "look" of the outfit.

I had a couple pairs of super cheap shoes in the back of my closet - black and brown. I tried wearing those, and while they looked much better than the big whites, I could tell from the minute I put them on that I was hurting my feet.

And yes, I have made the connection between my closet filled with super cheap shoes from Payless and Walmart and my flip flops from Old Navy and the misery that is my feet. I'm trying to do better. My philosophy used to be: as many cute shoes for as little money possible. Now I just need something that won't hurt me. Sidenote: I probably need to get another shot between my toes soon. I will document and report back.

I watch Dancing With The Stars, and my second thought is "how can they wear those shoes? Aren't they in agony?". My first thought is "how are those clothes staying on?". Seriously, it's mezmerizing. Especially her.

Okay, back to my feet.

So I'm complaining to Troy about how I just can't look cute when I have to wear athletic shoes when I'm not being athletic. So guess what he did? He took me shopping!

It was my own little Pretty Woman experience. I was Vivian (only not) and he was Edward (only not), taking me to the fancy store to shop and spend an obscene amount of money (really not). But still. A girl can dream.

He took me to Famous Footwear (right next to Payless, the culprit behind my foot problems), sat me down on a bench and brought me shoes to try on! Lots and lots of shoes - all in blacks and browns - nice colors to go with nice Fall/Winter clothes. He admired and complimented as I paraded up and down the aisle, walking it out, getting a feel for them, trying to find the perfect shoes for my needy feet. He didn't complain about me wanting to try on at least twenty pairs, and he wrapped and put back the ones that just wouldn't do. And when it came down to choosing between a black pair and a brown pair - he simply looked into my eyes and said what every girl dreams of hearing:

"We'll just get both."

My Payless mind was horrified, but my feet rejoiced. At least it was buy one, get one 1/2 off.

Wanna see?

Now I'm not saying these are super high fashion, fancy, ultra-hip and cool shoes. Just saying it was my Vivian moment. And Vivian has never had herself a pair of New Balance shoes for casual wear, and she's sure never had a pair of Skechers before.

Her kids have, but she hasn't.

These are just some basic black everyday kind of shoes. That don't hurt me.

And then the Skechers. I love these.

They have the tiniest bit of heel to make me a little taller, a good sturdy sole, and they are a wonderful shade of brown to go with 50% of my wardrobe. The black ones will take care of the other 50%. They look so cute peeking out from the bottom of my bootcut jeans.

The next day, I was walking around the house in my perfect, new, comfortable, brown Skechers (who's got the Skechers now, boys? Your Momma, that's who!), and this is what Troy says to me.

"I was surprised that you got those since they look so chunky on your feet."

Huh? Edward never would have said that to Vivian. It's like saying

"I can't believe you chose those jeans since they make your butt look humongous."

or

"I wouldn't have imagined you choosing that haircut since it makes your face look like a pumpkin."

I told him I was going for the chunky look. Chunky is hot.

And comfortable.

What are your feelings about footwear?

If You Can Stand One More Post About My Foot

I'm beginning to think that my ongoing foot problems have reached such proportions that they will be mentioned in my obituary. You know how if someone had an illness or something, it makes it up there in the first paragraph:

"...died after five years of courageously enduring and battling whatever...".

I'm afraid that mine will be more like,

"...passed away after years of griping about her stupid foot. She didn't endure it well. She complained constantly and we're all glad she's finally at peace, so we can be too."


Nevertheless, the neuroma on my left foot is acting up again, and I feel compelled to write about it. I really wasn't in that much pain from the it - maybe a 2-3 on a scale from 1-10. Or maybe I was just used to being in pain all the time and this has become my normal. But I knew it was there and I was babying my feet all the time (griping), waiting for the real pain to start. Plus, I could see that it was growing from the way my toes were spreading apart. It was looking worse than it felt, but I knew I needed to start shrinking it.


At the urging of some friends, I decided to try their foot doctor and get a second opinion. My appointment was yesterday. He was very nice and acknowledged that yes, I have a very large neuroma. My orthotics are doing all they can to help, no cute shoes for me - ever, and just to be sure there wasn't any old fracture or something, he took an x-ray.


Usually, the affected nerve is in between the third and fourth toes, but for some reason, mine is between the second and third. I'm sure that my location is known as the more painful of the two. The x-ray showed that the bones right by the nerve are touching - no empty space for a nerve to happily sit.


I'm already wearing the orthotics, limiting some activity, wearing wide- width shoes, and complaining loudly, so the only two options left are more injections and as a very, very last resort, surgery to just cut that nerve right outta there. Surgery, however, might not even be very successful because of my freaky bone structure - the ends of the nerve would develop the same problem, or scar tissue might grow, etc. We're going with more injections right now.


The injections are of an alcohol solution with a little bit of cortisone to reduce swelling, and some anesthetic for instant relief. The alcohol is supposed to break down the nerve tissue. He wants me to come back 2 more times over the next two months - it can take several injections to make this work. Now I've had probably 9 of these injections over the past 5 years, but they haven't been one right after the other. I usually just wait until I'm in pain again. Maybe it will work this time. The new doc also said he uses a higher amount of alcohol in his shots than most.


The shots hurt.


Alot.


It's straight into a nerve, nice and slow, turning the needle every which way. But then the pain is gone. I love anesthetic! And I realize that my pain wasn't just a 2 or a 3, it was much higher, and a numb foot is really a good way to go. I walk kinda funny when I can't feel my toes but it's a good trade-off to be pain free.


The anesthetic wore off about 9am. I can barely walk. Even just sitting here, I can feel the injection site burning. I would love to take a few ibuprofen and chase 'em with a Tylenol or two, but I can't because I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy tomorrow and I'm not allowed to take any pain meds. This was lousy timing on my part. Never schedule a minor procedure too close to a semi-major procedure! It will interrupt your pharmaceutical plans., and you'll end up laying around the house, feeling all grumpy and maybe even a little bit weepy from the pain.


Do you blame me?

Did I mention that this hurts?

Unprepared

I've told about my foot problems before and now I worry that I've taken them to a whole new level. When I packed for California, I was planning on dressing business casual for pretty much everything except the flight. I'd be wearing skirts and fitted tops and then I brought every possible dressy shoe that might go with any of them. I call them my three hour shoes, 'cause I can wear them to church and that's about it. I knew I'd be pushing it, wearing them all day long, but with the no jeans rule, I couldn't exactly wear my athletic shoes with the orthotics.

So these are all the nice shoes that I took with me:

And what with the change of plans and all, these are what I wore, traipsing all through Disneyland.

It was the lesser of all evils that I could have placed on my feet, but still...

By the end of the first day at Disneyland, I was sporting 4 band aids and a pretty good limp.

Ouch!

Promise to myself: First thing to go in my suitcase?

Reeboks!

Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News

I don't think that doctors realize how we hang on every word they say. And tell other people about it. Words that seem like just casual chit chat to them are the things I replay in my mind over and over, wondering about the underlying meaning.


This first time I had a doctor say an odd thing to me was at a gyno exam shortly after I got married. Any conversation is a little weird when you're naked in a gown and legs in the stirrups. So there I was, and there he was, checking things out with the duckbill, assuring me that the discomfort would only last a minute more. Then he says:


"You have a beautiful cervix."


What do you say to that?


"Oh, sank you, Docktor" (Teri Garr says it, name the movie)


I think I just mumbled a quiet "thanks".


The cervix, in healthy form looks exactly like a pink glazed doughnut. For nearly 19 years, I've harbored a bit of pride over my beautiful cervix. I'm sure you are all envious. I just hope there won't be any of that unfortunate pride goeth before the fall business.

At the other end of physical beauty, however, are my feet. They are short and wide with rough heels, and the toes are, well, odd. They (the toes) are short and wrinkled on the top, and if you look at the bottom, you'll find that there is virtually no length to them. The round toe pad is sitting right next to the ball of my foot. The nails are tiny and curl upwards - nothing much to paint and make semi-pretty. And to make matters worse, the past few years I've needed cortisone shots between my toes to alleviate the pain from a swollen nerve. I wear orthotics. My cervix looks nice though.

So I go to a podiatrist (whom I love, because his shots make the pain go away, and he made me some orthotics that really do seem to be helping), and when he first laid eyes on my feet, he sucked in his breath with a grimace. He didn't even try to hide the look of dismay and horror on his face.


"Wow. Um...Where did you get...these...toes?"


Oh come on! In all his years of looking at feet, he's never seen anything worse than mine? They're not that bad. Or are they?




You can see the discoloration running down the center of my foot from the injections, and the middle toe that is leaning over to the left - he called that a deformity from the swollen nerve.


His words and his physical recoil haunt me.

Another time I was visiting a doctor to run a strep test. That's all - swab my throat, write the prescription and I'd be outta his hair. Instead, he says to me,

"Would you like to do anything about your weight at this time?"

Like all I had to do was ask. Jerk. Gimme my 'cillin.

And my last tale is from my mother. She was in the dentist's chair, getting her teeth cleaned, and the dentist kept (on purpose, I think) aiming the jet of water directly on a tooth. The stream of water then bounced off her tooth and sprayed across her face in a fine mist. He says,

"I love how the water looks, all beaded up on your face like that."

How creepy is that? Very.

Have you ever had a doctor or anyone in that type of position say something weird, inappropriate, or just plain "huh?".