Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News

I don't think that doctors realize how we hang on every word they say. And tell other people about it. Words that seem like just casual chit chat to them are the things I replay in my mind over and over, wondering about the underlying meaning.


This first time I had a doctor say an odd thing to me was at a gyno exam shortly after I got married. Any conversation is a little weird when you're naked in a gown and legs in the stirrups. So there I was, and there he was, checking things out with the duckbill, assuring me that the discomfort would only last a minute more. Then he says:


"You have a beautiful cervix."


What do you say to that?


"Oh, sank you, Docktor" (Teri Garr says it, name the movie)


I think I just mumbled a quiet "thanks".


The cervix, in healthy form looks exactly like a pink glazed doughnut. For nearly 19 years, I've harbored a bit of pride over my beautiful cervix. I'm sure you are all envious. I just hope there won't be any of that unfortunate pride goeth before the fall business.

At the other end of physical beauty, however, are my feet. They are short and wide with rough heels, and the toes are, well, odd. They (the toes) are short and wrinkled on the top, and if you look at the bottom, you'll find that there is virtually no length to them. The round toe pad is sitting right next to the ball of my foot. The nails are tiny and curl upwards - nothing much to paint and make semi-pretty. And to make matters worse, the past few years I've needed cortisone shots between my toes to alleviate the pain from a swollen nerve. I wear orthotics. My cervix looks nice though.

So I go to a podiatrist (whom I love, because his shots make the pain go away, and he made me some orthotics that really do seem to be helping), and when he first laid eyes on my feet, he sucked in his breath with a grimace. He didn't even try to hide the look of dismay and horror on his face.


"Wow. Um...Where did you get...these...toes?"


Oh come on! In all his years of looking at feet, he's never seen anything worse than mine? They're not that bad. Or are they?




You can see the discoloration running down the center of my foot from the injections, and the middle toe that is leaning over to the left - he called that a deformity from the swollen nerve.


His words and his physical recoil haunt me.

Another time I was visiting a doctor to run a strep test. That's all - swab my throat, write the prescription and I'd be outta his hair. Instead, he says to me,

"Would you like to do anything about your weight at this time?"

Like all I had to do was ask. Jerk. Gimme my 'cillin.

And my last tale is from my mother. She was in the dentist's chair, getting her teeth cleaned, and the dentist kept (on purpose, I think) aiming the jet of water directly on a tooth. The stream of water then bounced off her tooth and sprayed across her face in a fine mist. He says,

"I love how the water looks, all beaded up on your face like that."

How creepy is that? Very.

Have you ever had a doctor or anyone in that type of position say something weird, inappropriate, or just plain "huh?".